Another Journey

What is this next journey going to be like that I'm about ready to take? Did I make the decision to take it through rain spattered glasses or was my vision clear? Will the road ahead be dark and dreary with maybe some bumps along the way? There has been days when these questions have been formost in my mind, and then the pain that is like no other pain I have ever felt sets in and I don't doubt. And so my feet are firmly planted on this course I have chosen to take.

I know that I will learn from this journey but what I don't know yet. Someone might touch my life and maybe I might touch anothers. That I pray for. I also pray the my Heavenly Father might accompany me on this different road. Without him, I might not reach the destination I hope to find. In fact, it was through pray that this decision was made.

And now, without any warning, my journey has taken a mighty curve in a different direction. I've asked why, but it is a hollow question. Time must pass accompanied with my other traveler called pain. They say my heart isn't strong enough. How could that be? This heart that has grown so tender and full of love. Wait I must for the specialist, and then can I continue on with my journey that might take away my pain? Only my Heavenly Father has the map so here I go. I must, and I will, put my trust in Him to carry me through.

My Friend Nancy

About a year ago, they found a tumor on Nancy's brain the size of a lemon. They immedately removed it and I was told that it had been a fast growing cancer, but they felt they had gotten it all.

Nancy had come into my life when Craig was brought into our ward as our new Bishop. I had gone to school with Craig and had become good friends with Nancy instantly. She had been released as our Stake Relief Society President when Craig was called as our Bishop.

Nancy and I had great fun together; talking to her was easy and we could tell stories to each other and laugh at each other's mistakes. Then I was told about the tumor. I've cried a lot this past year as I've watched her go through the ugliness of chemo and radiation. It didn't work and the tumor came back.

I often prayed, "Father, what is this thing called death? How can anyone live and know they are dying?" Nancy has taught me how to live and to do it with dignity.

What is this thing called death? I believe it means new life. A better life where there will be no more pain.

(more to come)

A New Year

Santa Believed

This year I have though long and hard about what I wanted this Christmas and all Christmases yet to come to mean. I always get so caught up in trying to get everything done and done perfertly that I forget the reason for the season. This year didn't start out much different until my energy level was gone and I started dreading the beginning of each new day.

I'm Going Batty

Fibromyalgia is a horrible disease, but one I have been blessed with. Then there is another one I'll add to that which is neuropathy in my feet. Between the two, I'm going batty. Now isn't that appropriate this time of year. The sad part is I couldn't get out of bed most of today because I was sick. Now anyone who knows me knows that it takes a lot to knock me down like that. How long will it last? I don't know. I may wake up in the morning and be fine or I may be in bed again. So what do I do about it. I pray a lot for enough strength to endure the pain. After that I just go batty. Do you want to join me?

Where Has Honesty Gone?

I've always felt like Nephi as he stated "I being born of goodly parents." Mother and Dad were (are) the best! That being said, I was always taught to be honest in what I said and did. Well, in my journey, I've found dishonesty and I'm paying for it! Not because I agreed to it, but because I can do nothing about it. Let me start at the beginning.

Bill got behind on his alimony. The amount grew and grew until I hired an attorney to help me. I was referred to him by someone I greatly respected. Thus I put my trust in him to do what was right. I think it surprised Bill that I would do something that bold, but he finally paid up and then pulled his own shocker. He wanted to change the decree and not pay the small $150 a month any longer. I didn't know you could do such a thing, but in today's world and Bill being Bill I soon became a believer.

Now after several months, correspondence sent back and forth, and court dates canceled I received a copy of a letter my attorney sent to Bill's. He stated part of my wishes which was "I would no longer seek for any more alimony," but left out the part of "if he would pay my attorney fees." Instead he added that there would be stipulations which were that he would continue to pay for as longer as we were married. That prolongs it until January of 2012. He went on to say that he knew he could win the case if I wanted to pursue it since the law stating that alimony only needed to be paid for as long as you were married never went into affect until after we were married. Besides that, it was such a small amount, and the judge would take into account that he made so much more than I since I was on disability. He was even thinking about not charging me anything more to represent me. Now me being taught to be honest in all my dealings fell for what he said whole line and sinker. I called yesterday to thank him only to find out it was all a big lie! He hadn't meant a word of it. He wasn't sure at all that he could win the case, and furthermore the extra alimony he had asked for was to pay his attorney fees! He wasn't looking out for my best interest at all. The bottom line is HE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE GETS HIS MONEY! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here I had said I would settle IF Bill paid my fees and I guess he will, but it will be out of my money. Money I was really depending on and needing. I believed my own attorney and expected him to be honest with me. All I've seen through this whole journey has been dishonesty and greed. Is that what life has come too from a person who is representing me and my values? Bill always wins even when it all started because he wasn't honest with his dealing.

Fall Is Here

I got thinking the other day that September is almost over and October means Halloween. For me that starts the holidays because next is Thanksgiving and then Christmas. That was a very scary thought. What does the holidays hold for me this year? I'm finding that having two surgeries so close together has really taken its toll on me. My energy seems to have flown out the window, but I keep pushing myself. It was such satisfaction to see the peaches in bottles and the jam ready to go in the freezer. I really am blessed and must remember that when the pain gets so bad.

Today as I was talking to Jen I could hear Jessie in the background. I told Jen to tell her I loved her. She did and Jessie shouted back "I love you too, Grandma." See what I mean about being blessed?